I would like to share my story of Veronica- in hopes of possibly helping someone who has lost a baby or child-
Veronica is my daughter who passed away of Spinal Muscular Atrophy type 1, at the age of five months. She was born January 6, 2004 in Comox BC. At three months old she was not moving properly, even though she looked perfect in every way. I can still hear the pediatrician’s words if I think back to that moment that is forever encased in time- “She maybe has till the age of two.” I realize the mighty hand of God was holding me up in that chair, and that he was in this, somehow I needed to trust him completely. This couldn’t be happening, this wasn’t real, God was testing me; I knew it. I even told the doctor this later in the hospital just before the chaplain came to have a few words with me.
Veronica and I flew by Air Ambulance directly to Children’s Hospital in Vancouver, where we stayed with her for a couple of weeks. We than went to Canuck Place Children’s Hospice, to spend three and half weeks with her there, where she died on June 6, 2004. I spent each day with her, holding her, loving her, feeding her through a naso-gastric tube, talking to her-telling her how short a time it would truly be, before we could spend eternity in heaven together-how wonderful for that- so very amazing that we would be separated for a short time on this earth but actually be together in heaven. For this earth is but fleeting moment. On her grave I choice the verse: “In just a little while the world will not see me again, but you will. For I will live again, and you will too.” John 14:19
I wanted to mention that a couple days after her body was taken to the funeral home, the nurses and myself were standing inside the entrance of her room, we all looked at one another at the same time it seemed, as we all felt simultaneously , a warm breeze and a feeling of peace enter the room. “Did you feel that? one of he nurses said, someone else said “I’ve got goosebumps on the back of my legs.” I thought it must be angels come to comfort-
I had made a friend at Canuck Place, whose child was also dying, and her and I were sitting one evening in a room upstairs-all of a sudden an unseen warmth and comforting presence seemed to enter the room; I could feel more than one presence beside my shoulder. My friend looked at me and said, “Do you feel that?” I was amazed that she said that, because I could feel this as well at that very same second, “ya… angels,” I said, and she said to me, ” Do you want to go and check on our children ? ” Too very cool, I thought…
Here are some thoughts that I had written back in 2004, that I had posted on another website, shortly after Veronica died:
Veronica, Duckie, and Claire De Lune
“I was listening to Claire De Lune one day, the classical piece of music by “Debussy” and looked up at a picture of Veronica. She was looking at her toy Duckie so lovingly. Her head was against a pillow, and I was holding her Duckie pretending that it was talking to her. She seemed so interested. Her gaze was priceless as she stared intently at the face of Duckie.
The tears came flowing from my eyes and I thought wow what absolute meaning in Veronica’s stare, which seemed to be conveying such meaning to Duckie. I realized that this intent stare really just evokes all of life, and the meaning of life, which is humility, love, kindness and meekness.”
This is letter number 25 that I wrote to Veronica. I wrote many more letters to her after her passing. I do not write them anymore because it is too painful. Part of me was hoping she would answer, but she is only answering them in heaven-not on earth, and so now I just think of her everyday, and anticipate my reunion with her.
“Mommy just wanted to say that she hoped you were never hungry or cold or sad, because mommy was there for you every second of your beautiful five months my darling. I loved your beautiful body, your hair, eyes, face, arms and beautiful fingers, legs and feet darly hearts. Beautiful tummy that got hungry, just like mommy’s tummy. You were so human my love, and now you are with Jesus in a perfect place. Your toes will never get cold, your eyes will never cry tears, your throat can now swallow your saliva my beautiful love. Your wonderful chest works now my love, you can breathe properly, it is not sunken in precious; anymore. It is beautiful just like all of your darling precious body, which is perfect now. Always my love, a part of my heart, body and soul. To be with you in heaven precious is mommy’s hearts desire, I can’t wait, I love you.”
Poem from Veronica:
Letter from Heaven
As you drive down my street of Matthew’s Avenue,
just remember that my times here
were the greatest that I ever knew
The love you gave me was priceless you know,
and my love for you was heaven sent, to
show and represent,
a father from above,
Well, I had fun, I felt glee, I was happiest
with you and me, I never knew pain,
I never knew scorn, so please
do not cry for me or mourn
I loved my stroller and my garden walks,
and all of our lovely and wonderful talks,
I loved my bed, and all the pillows around my head,
I loved my toys; especially my Duckie,
do you know that he would sit and talk to me?
I loved my room at night, the lamps turned low,
and how you would sneak into my room to
watch me sleep, I knew you were there you know.
I loved the dinner hour, and the fishies behind the glass,
but all the chattering at the tables,
hey; I could pass,
I loved “Bear in the Big Blue House” and “Franklin” too,
but most of all I loved you, my home was with you,
wherever you were, there I was too,
But the time for us, it quickly slipped by, for there was
not enough time for me to love you on this earth,
for heaven called me,
and now our love will exist for all of eternity.
copyright 2004 Deidre R. Burden
I have listened to the lyrics of this particular song, and thought of Veronica’s hearse leaving the children’s hospice to go to the funeral home-never had I been so amazed at that sight, as the grey hearse left the big iron gates and turned ever so slowly to the left and down the road and turning again and out of sight. I know; however, that I will see her again, and this is my true hope and peace.
This verse is from the song “Where there is Faith” from the Christian group “For Him”
“There’s a lady dressed in black, in a motorcade of cadillacs; Daddy’s not coming back, and our hearts begin to fail and our stability grows weak, but Jesus meets our needs if we only believe, because where there is faith there is a voice saying, keep walking… your not alone in this world.”
“With your final heartbeat kiss this world goodbye and go in peace and laugh on glory’s side, and fly to Jesus, fly to Jesus, fly to Jesus, and live.”
From Pastor John MacArthur’s book, “Safe in the Arms of God”
“What is the future of a baby crushed by the rubble of the collapsing World Trade Center? What about any baby that dies? What happens to an unborn child, and infant, a child, or even a physically mature but mentally handicapped adult child after he dies? What is the fate of that little one as he or she enters eternity? The questions are agonizing ones for many parents, Christians and non-Christians alike. The correct answer however begins very simply: “Instant Heaven”
Scripture Bible Verses:
Matthew 5:4 “God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted”
Psalm 139:16 “Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed, and in your book they were all written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.”
1st. Thessalonians 3: 13-14 ” But I do want you to be ignorant brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with him those who sleep in Jesus.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him, shall not perish but have everlasting life.”
I have concluded through my own journey of grief , that there is no fear in life, but rather only trust, to keep going by upholding hope, faith, and love. In my extreme sorrow have I reflected on my own life and the purpose for me on this earth. The purpose is through God’s eyes, in the person of Jesus Christ, which is to gain salvation, and we must live with this understanding. When we become born again, we can live with the Lord for eternity in heaven, we will never die. Only through our creator is this truly possible. By accepting what Jesus did for us: he died on the cross for our sins and rose again, by asking him into our hearts we will have eternal life. May we look forward to eternal life and continue to be lead and guided by his absolute sovereignty and grace. For it is grace by which we are saved, and not by works. “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a need than for a rich man to enter heaven.” Mark 10:25
Deidre R. Bissonette 2004
“And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove, for than would I fly away and be at rest.” Psalm 55:6
Pictures of Veronica Noelle Bissonette: